Couple updates

Being old still sucks. ¬†ūüôā ¬†just kidding.. so all that stuff I was trying to help my face stop the melting process, didn’t work.. nothing did.. my face is still falling off and the only thing that is going to help that will be some “procedure” that costs me thousands.. HOWEVER I did decide on THE doctor to go to once I can afford it, Dr Simon Ourian. Ya, he’s in LA, but it might be worth the drive if he can reverse the melting process… can ANYONE do that!?!? ¬†Anyway, ¬†I HAVE found a few products that ARE working for me.. I mean, I am a little lucky in that I’m 42 wait, am I 43 now? anyway, 40~ish, and I have very little if any wrinkles. ¬†Awesome except my face is still melting. ¬†ANYWAY, what I found that I LOVE is a few new things I didn’t mention before. ¬†First, Cleopatra really did have it goin on. ¬†Like crazy what she did and even crazier, I am doing it. ¬†I am THE biggest skeptic I know. ¬†SO I research the shit out of everything. ¬†I like to learn, and then of course share with others. ūüôā ¬†it’s just my thang. ¬†Anyway, I researched “shaving” my face. ¬†You know all the questions, will it grow back thicker, will it be black, etc.. ¬†nope, nope and nope. it’s AWESOME. ¬†And, when I mentioned it to a few of my gals, THEY ALREADY DO IT! ¬†I’m like, what!?! I thought I did everything first?? ¬†No, seems some have been doing it since like high school.. Ok, now that stung a little. ¬†Anyway, I tried those little straight razor jobs like this:¬†

That wasn’t too bad, just took quite a bit of time to work with… however, I have found the HOLY GRAIL for a woman face, to not only remove facial fuzz, but also exfoliate and get rid of the top layer of GUNK on your face!! It’s AMAZING!¬†

                                                              
This my friends is DERMAFLASH.. and it’s the bestest thing like ever. ¬†After you charge it, you pop in the one time use blade, turn it on and clean off all the fuzz and dead skin off your face, once a week. ¬†I LOVE this, it makes all my serums absorb better, and it allows my foundation to go on flawlessly.. ¬†Speaking of serums.. I found the one brand that works for me. ¬†The L’oreal didn’t work, so I tried Paula’s Choice. ¬†It’s AFFORDABLE for us Single Mom’s and just everyone that wants great skin care at a price that I don’t mind spending every couple months.. There are many products in the line, but I use specifically “Resist” items in the line.. like the 10% weekly AHA to resurface the skin.. it’s wonderful. ¬†I use a nightly AHA and a daily BHA as a leave on exfoliator. ¬†Moisturizer is wonderful, but the Hyaluronic acid is Fabulous!¬†

                                                   
Can’t give away ALL My secrets at once, but I have a few more up my sleeve.. You should really take a look at these items (No, I am not paid for ANYTHING) these are just my honest opinions after trying so many things out there, and basically tossing them, or giving them away.. THESE work for my 40~ish skin and I LOVE them for it. ¬†¬†

ONE MORE THING.. I don’t care for any of Kylie’s lip paints, they don’t last, and they BLEED.. I do like Kat Von D but the stain REALLY works.. ¬†I FINALLY found my all time favorite so far, and that is from Jeffree Star, and it’s called ANDROGNY..¬†
                                      
“Just have fun. Smile. And keep putting on lipstick”


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This ‘n that…

Being old sucks. Well, ageing sucks. It appears (to me) that my face is falling off of my skeleton and it’s depressing. ¬†I of course didn’t have a very good teacher, so I didn’t know to use sunscreen at a young age, or to stay OUT of the sun.. so of course I would slather on the baby oil and bake like a turkey out in the sun as a teenager. That did me NO favors. ¬†Age spots, wrinkles and such.. no bueno. ¬†So in my mid 30’s I started using moisturizer and closer to 40 I started with SPF. ¬†I just gotta say Thank GOD my daughter has me to now warn her of all the things I didn’t know then.¬†
But back to me.. I didn’t do much with my face, but over the past year, as I began to do more… I started noticing that gravity my friend, works!! And it too sucks. Boobies start sagging… then your face.. So I started a list of all the things I’ve tried that didn’t work for me. ¬†And what has. ¬†I LOVE argan oil. Especially Josie Maran Argan Oil Light. ¬†Absorbs in quickly and it is really hydrating. That coupled with Milk of the same line, just fabulous. But it isn’t enough. I did so much research on expensive, as well as cheap alternatives for facial serums and creams. ¬†I read about Jennifer Flavin’s (Sly Stallone’s wife who I GUARANTEE uses botox, fillers and probably an eye lift) line of Serious Skin Care Eyetality Total Eye Transformation and the reviews were just amazing! ¬†People saying their eyelashes and eyebrows were growing out of control! (Ok, so my over plucked over the years eyebrows are a WHOLE nother story.. for maybe never.) So of course, let’s try that!! ¬†My first question is this: ¬†How LONG do you try a product before you decide it doesn’t do anything? ¬†Personally I want to see IMMEDIATE effects of something. ¬†Instant gratification is what I want. For everything. ¬†I did not get this here. I used it for about 2 weeks, and nothing. Sure it moisturized, but I still had puffy under eyes every morning. So no, that didn’t work.¬†
Did some more research and read that L’Oreal Revitalift items were supposed to be FABULOUS for a less expensive alternative. Look, I’m trying to lift up my “jowels” where my cheeks are trying to beat my chin in sagging. ¬†So the FACE revitalift did nothing. ¬†However, that said, the Double lifting eye cream.. THAT did something. ¬†I have hooded eyes. So in the last 20 years, I’ve not seen my eyelids. Not sure I even have them at this point, as I think with age, they just disappear. ¬†Well, this stuff actually LIFTED my eyelids! a smidge. ¬†Not enough. I need something of an EYE LIFT but in a jar/serum, not a knife. ¬†Speaking of eye lift.. I read about a product out on the market.. NuFace. I’ve SEEN it work and it DOES WORK~ ¬†But, at a cost.. One that I can’t afford sadly. ¬†Single Mom and all that, but I am saving up for it. ¬†It’s one of those things, use it 5 minutes a night and keep on it, and they’ll stay UP.. and my “Jowels” will stay up too, and it’s INSTANT GRATIFICATION! Something I live for. ¬†That is my next “big purchase” (my first being my clarisonic face brush that I LOVE) ¬†Ok, back to the serums et al. ¬†Started a new system by Peter Thomas Roth. It has some kind of peel, and then some laser free eye and face “gels” that are made with Dragon’s blood… so far, I love it.. All of the pieces. ¬†It is WONDERFUL and my face feels so soft, and NO PUFFY under eyes.. it’s IMMEDIATE! ¬†I will give this system a month or maybe more to see if it can undo gravity’s EVIL wrongdoings to my face… ¬†Stay tuned..¬†

OH, FYI: ¬†I LOVE using Kat Von D Exorcism matte lip stain. ¬†I think it’s about a $20 dollar bill. ¬† Found a deal on the new “Kylie” lip kit in “kourt”. ¬†SAME DAMN COLOR as exorcism and Kat Von D’s is WAY cheaper and stays on longer… ¬†In case you were wondering.¬†

Nature¬†gives you the face you have at twenty; it is up to you to merit the face you have at fifty.” Coco Chanel (1983-1971)

It’s been awhile…

Ok, so it’s been a year. ¬†Maybe over a year. A lot that has happened, but today I just wanted to show y’all a project I recently completed. ¬†I’m doing more of what makes ME happy, and I’m loving it. ¬†I’ve been redoing furniture. ¬†I’ve done a few so far, and this one just made me happy. ¬†I found her at GoodWill and gave her a face lift. ¬†I’ve been wanting to buy some Annie Sloan chalk paints, but they are pretty expensive, so I’ve been using American Decor and their waxes. ¬†On this project, I used American Decor Everlast chalk paint, and I was able to buy 4oz samples of Annie Sloan clear and dark waxes so I used those to finish the piece. ¬†I also sanded down the top and re stained it in Kona and completed it with Polycrylic on the top. ¬†I love it. ¬†I can’t decide if I can find somewhere to put her, or if I’m just going to sell her. ¬†I need to purchase a compressor and some nail guns, so who knows. ¬†¬†

Anyway, I’ll be back later with an “update” post, but until then, here she is!

Before: 

And after: 

 What do YOU think?


2014… So Far..

Well, we moved.. ¬†So far so.. ok, not so good. ¬†The move itself was fine. ¬†It was kind of nice to move from such a HUGE house to something more manageable. ¬†IF she’d only help MANAGE it. ¬†:\ ¬†It’s soo small, anything out of place and it looks like a cluttered mess. ¬†I’m ready to rip her hair out (what’s left of it) and sit on her, and honestly I don’t even know what to do anymore. ¬†She won’t listen. ¬†She pretends to, and says “Ok, Mom, got it”.. blah blah blah. ¬†Whatever. ¬†Anyway, seems I wasn’t all that smart moving DOWNSTAIRS. ¬†After living in the house, (2 stories) and my knees getting worse, I figured downstairs is perfect. ¬†Until the lelefants moved in above me. ¬†WHO DOES LAUNDRY AT 4AM!?!?! ¬†Or HAND washes dishes at 1am?! ¬†Someone up there is really into some kind of twerkin, zumba, hip hop, stomponthedamnfloor dancin shit, and it SUCKS. ¬†I have tuned much of it out (having kids makes that easier) but she constantly complains about them. ¬†And my poor Mojo, if they drop something up there, Mo instantly jumps up and looks around like some stealth FBI dog or something. ¬†She’s gonna die of a heart attack. ¬†She’s done SOO good with being potty trained, she holds everything until we get home and then we take her out and she’s good. ¬†Sometimes tho she’ll wake me up at 2am to go out, but it’s cool because she’s not shit in the house or anything for 2 weeks so far! It is SOOO hard not having ALL my dogs, I won’t go into it, because it still hurts too damn much… ¬†So, I’m looking into spending the extra $300 or so that I wanted to SAVE every month, and moving to the 2 br 2 car garage. ¬†Bottom floor is the garage and washer / dryer. ¬†Middle is kitchen, dining, living room, her room, bathroom and walk in closet, and MY room is the top (QUIET) with the loft and my bathroom and bigger walk in closet. ¬†I say I am HOPING to do this. ¬†I’ve been there 2 weeks, and it’s just too small, and the lelefants will drive me mad. ¬†I talked to the leasing office and now just waiting to hear what the mucky mucks say about it. ¬†Cross your fingers!!
Tomorrow is back to court.  Yay.. (laced heavily with sarcasm). 
We went last month, where I turned in pages and pages of everything going on etc… and he showed up with no lawyer. ¬†Seems he got dropped. Quelle Horreur. ¬† NOT! ¬†It was bound to happen. ¬†Anyway, seeing as he had no lawyer he played stupid and said he didn’t know HOW to turn in the requested papers that he needed (with over a month to FIND HELP, WHATEVER LOSER). ¬†So the “sub” judge that day decided that we needed to go back to mediation and that the kid needed to as well, and let’s all meet back “tomorrow”. ¬†I put in my papers for her to see him every other¬†Saturday¬†8 am – 8 pm. ¬†That’s it. ¬†Since she¬†HASN’T seen him since last year, she’s on HONOR ROLL. ¬†She’s not stressed about him, she concentrates on her homework and DOES IT etc… ¬†I see no need for week day visits just so he can yell at her… again. ¬†Now, after she went to her mediation and told me what she said to the lady, I don’t THINK he’ll actually get any because even when he sent the sheriff to my house, to make her go see him, the sheriff said “We can’t make her go, you have a good night” and left. ¬†So… we’ll see what they say. ¬†¬†
Found out a good friend of mine is going to be divorcing. ¬†He left her, no reason why nothing. ¬†Just “I’m done”. ¬†I personally can understand that, because that was me when I left. ¬†I was DONE. ¬†Seems he’s lied and there is someone else, after repeatedly denying it. ¬† Long story short, caught him. ¬†And what’s worse, it’s a friend of Hers. ¬†ūüė• ¬†So, spending time with her, doing what I can to be supportive. ¬†And I have court tomorrow for my own crap. ¬†Easter is next weekend, and we were invited to go the Havafew for it. ¬†(Not taking the boat out tho). ¬†We decided to go (yesterday) and today I thought about it, they will be gone, so bug and I can be home this weekend and NOT have to do anything for anyone. ¬†We can go to the community breakfast with the Easter Bunny and just do “our thing” and talk and get back to some kind of “normal”, together. ¬†Whatever that is.

Sometimes you don’t realize you’re actually drowning when you are trying to be everyone else’s anchor

2014.. The year of "Sacrifice"

2013 was quite the year. ¬†A LOT of changes, tears, heartache, happiness, you know a “Typical” year. ¬†Donor hasn’t been much help with the kid. ¬†She is AMAZING. ¬†In the past month or so, she and I have laid out her game plan for High School (she starts later this year), and the majority of high school (10 – 12th grades) that she will also be taking college courses so that she can graduate High School with her diploma, as well as her AA in something chemistry related she says. ¬†She hasn’t seen “him” in a couple months. ¬†Not even Christmas. ¬†Stopped seeing her during the week back in august of last year, and only a handful of weekends here and there, some of which he took her to friends, and didn’t actually “see her”. ¬†He’s not the point of this anyway. Saw my brother for the first time in years, only to have him USE ME yet again, and I fell for it. ¬†I’m an idiot. ¬†I gave up a LOT of my time, and energy and me in general last year. ¬†Taking a look at my life and finances, there is no way for the kid to go to college. ¬†Well, without taking out loans etc, and I can’t buy us a home. ¬†The point is, I have to save a LOT of money to get her to college. ¬†I had no help growing up from MY parents really, so I will make sure I do whatever I can to get her where she wants to go professionally.. I don’t know if my parents didn’t do much to help because they had 3 kids or what.. but MINE (kid) has a bank account and is learning how to manage her money etc and she’s just as excited as I am for what is to come. ¬†
Here comes the year of sacrifice… ¬†With my job and where we live, I can’t afford to save squat. ¬†So we are moving. ¬†For anyone that really knows me, this means usually I move wherever I can take my entire family. ¬†I can’t just move anymore because I feel like it. ¬†Or like my dad used to say because my apartment got dirty.. ¬†I have to move logically.. Can the kid get to school? ¬†Do I know someone that she can hang out with before the long ride to school? ¬†Is there a bus? ¬†All these things have to be taken into consideration. ¬†Long story short, she and I made the decision last night, that we are giving up our beloved dogs. ¬†I’m shedding so many tears writing this just thinking of NOT having them in our lives. And it KILLS ME. ¬†I’m not only a parent to her, but to them as well. ¬†Sadly, I had to make the decision that living in a tiny 2 br apartment just us, is what we have to do, to save up money to put down for a house, and to pay for her schooling. ¬†I’ve not told anyone around me really, except my bff so that the kid can hang out with her in the morning before school, but that’s it. ¬†One the one hand I can literally feel my heart breaking into a million pieces, not having my dogs to greet me every day, and wake me up at 2 am to go outside to pee. ¬†I’ve had them since they were babies.. ¬†BUT I KNOW they will find a good home. ¬†I already imagine where they will live. ¬†Will they think I just up and left them? THAT is THE worst feeling I have right now. ¬†That is killing me. ¬† ¬† I need to take a break for a minute.. the tears won’t stop.
Anyway, will they understand that I have to do what I have to do for her and our little family? ¬†I looked at other places that TAKE pets.. they are both over 50lbs.. bottom line, I have tried to figure out a way, and I don’t have a choice. ¬†Once you feel your heart actually break, it is REALLY hard to stop the tears from falling.¬†
We are selling all of our things, paying off all debt (a whopping 3 grand without my car)… and save every single penny, increase my credit score, and buy a home for us. ¬†We are soooo excited for it, and understand we do have to sacrifice everything this year, so that next year can be perfect and awesome. ¬†I know there are other people worse off than me and others that have everything in the world.. I have what I have, and soon, won’t be much, but I have my kid.. and that is my entire life.¬†



What’s new..

I HATE¬†being uninspired. ¬†My last entry was a few months back… And the end result of THAT¬†day was damn near the same as any other day in court.. ¬†Pieces of data were missing, someone needs to find it.. ¬†blah blah.. ¬†Back again next month. Fast forward a few months. ¬†Feb 15th. ¬†I won’t go into the annoying shitty details, but now rather than going to his house sat 8am she goes Friday after school. ¬†She’s very angry. ¬†The counselor flat out LIED in her report and put words into my mouth that were never said. ¬†Long story short, I’m kind of GLAD she goes Friday – Sunday night now. ¬†These last few months have been… beyond rough. ¬†Arguments escalated between she and I as well as he and I. ¬†And she turned 13 this month to boot. ¬†AND that whole “became a woman” thing hit. ¬†She’s an emotional hormonal wreck. ¬†I have just been ignoring everything. ¬†I stopped my smoothies, and my diet went to shit. ¬†I have gained like 10 lbs in the last few months. ¬†My jeans don’t fit. ¬†What did I do? How did I get here? ¬† Doesn’t really matter anymore. ¬†I have already started changing things. ¬†ūüôā ¬†One is I got my new Vitamix 750 Pro. ¬†OH BOY DO I LOVE IT. ¬†I’m back on my smoothies and have already dropped a few pounds because of it. ¬†A friend of mine has some health issues, so I told him he should be drinking green smoothies.. ¬†I made the following recipe and brought him some. ¬†He was REALLY surprised how yummy it was… ¬†It’s nice to help others.. balances out shitty days at home. ¬†ūüôā¬†

6 or so leaves of Kale
a handful of Italian Parsely
a handful of regular Parsely
6 leaves Dandelion Root
a peeled knuckle size chunk of ginger
a few shakes of cinnamon
2 tsp raw organic honey
some ground up rolled oats (like flour consistency)
10oz green tea
1/2 fresh pineapple WITH the core
1 green apple
1 banana
1 orange (WITH the white pith skin part)
1 bag organic frozen raspberries
2 tsp flax meal
2 tsp maca powder
1/2 lemon juice

Blend it all in a big blender, it yields about 64 ounces of yummy smoothies… ¬†I usually put 1/2 in 32oz mason jars and drink one each day. ¬†1/2 for Breakfast and 1/2 for lunch or snack. ¬†GOOD stuff… ¬†Note: ¬†I never measure smoothies.. just toss stuff into the blender… if it doesn’t taste good after blending, just add more sweet stuff ¬†ūüôā
Tonight I am going to mix it up and use a grapefruit and add some cucumber.. 
Have a great day er’body~

EndGame..

This is it. ¬†Tomorrow is the trial. ¬†Many of you know the situation that Dano “The Kid” and I have been on our own for a while now. ¬†Since June 2011 to be exact. ¬†Her “Dad” finally went over the edge so to speak and long story short, was charged by the state for domestic violence after Dano had to call 911 on him and have him arrested. ¬†This is not the first¬†occurrence. ¬†This was the 5th I believe. ¬†There was another police report for a different time it happened, that time he tried to run me over AND slashed a tire. ¬†Quite honestly, I know what it feels like to not be able to “let go” of someone (NOT HIM in my case). ¬†Anyway the court took away his custody and adjusted his visitation to only day visits. ¬†No overnights for the last year and a half. ¬†She had ONE recently, as a trial. ¬†Her bed hadn’t been slept in, in well over a year, she said there were spider webs etc. ¬†He “brushed off” the bed, and made her sleep there. ¬†I have thought of a MULTITUDE of ways to handle myself at the trial tomorrow. ¬†He has a lawyer. ¬†An idiot one at that. ¬†I am kind of hoping that he comes in, guns a blazing with a bunch of finger pointing and she did/said this/that blah blah. ¬†I am not backing down nor conceding however, I am not going that route. ¬†I have 100 pages of texts back/forth with him, stating A LOT. ¬†He’s threatened her. ¬†He’s bailed out on her for HIS COURT ORDERED weekends with her, to go to the river 2 times and to Las Vegas JUST THIS PAST WEEKEND!! ¬†I am not going in with this date he did this, and so on and so forth. ¬†I am going just speak from my heart, and lay it all on the line. ¬†After 1 1/2 years, and ZERO resolutions, compromise (except on my end, I compromised way more than I should have) we can not agree to anything. So now the judge will decide what happens. ¬†Not only that, but the judge for the last 1 1/2 years, was worthless, and tomorrow is the LAST court date with A NEW JUDGE. ¬†WTH!? ¬† Dano has told the court two times already, told HIM and the counselor that she does NOT WANT TO LIVE WITH HIM. ¬†She also wrote a letter to the court and sealed it in an envelope for me to give to the judge that states HER words. ¬†I don’t know what else I can do. ¬†I don’t have money to fork out for a lawyer. ¬†They couldn’t say or express my feelings as a mother anyway. ¬†I’m scared. ¬†I’m scared for Dano that she just might have to live with him part time again. ¬† She cries every time she comes home. ¬† He calls her a liar, belittles her… She finally told him yesterday “I can’t take this anymore.. I don’t want to be with you…” ¬† As a parent, as hard as it may be, but if your child does not want to see you… WHY WOULD YOU FORCE THEM to continue to do that!??! ¬†It would be the hardest thing for me to let her go, but I would do it. ¬†For her. ¬†I wouldn’t force her to want to see me. ¬† Granted, I personally, would need to be committed shortly thereafter, but ¬†that’s just me. ¬†He’s doing just fine with his new girlfriend and her daughter… I wish he would just move on. ¬† ¬† Anyway, this is it. ¬†Please pray for me, whatever few of you that read this.. I’ve given up any semblance of a life, to do whatever I can for Dano. ¬†I don’t go out, haven’t seen a bar to “party” for years.. I don’t go to the river.. (Man, I’d LOVE to get a way!) ¬†I can’t afford to do that stuff¬†trying¬†to feed and clothe a growing 12 year old.. ¬† Add to that some other personal issues, that have just compounded everything, I don’t “deserve” a break per se, but a little Happiness for a while, would be nice. ¬†


LIES… and kids.

LIES. ¬†I hate them. ¬†Despise them. ¬†Probably because I was so good at it long LONG ago, then it all blew up in my face. ¬†Live and learn. ¬†Now, I just will not lie. Period. ¬†If you don’t like what I have to say, I’m sorry, but it’s the truth. ¬†I don’t have to REMEMBER what I said, or to whom, because what I say is the truth regardless who hears it. ¬†If you want to know something and expect HONESTY, then by all means, ask me. ¬†I am not all THAT stupid and I realize kids lie. ¬†But when you are MY kid, and You KNOW that I can’t stand lies, WHY ON EARTH would you keep trying to do it. ¬†WHITE LIES ARE STILL LIES. ¬†Ok, yes, I am sure I’ve told a few white lies, perchance to spare someones feelings or something. ¬†Dano can’t seem to get the truth out no matter what because “Either way, I’m gonna be in trouble”. ¬†See.. No. ¬†Not true. ¬†If I ask you to do something, and you don’t “get around to doing it”, not a real biggie.. sure I might make some kind of grunting noise or whatever, but it is what it is.. ¬†Now, when you talk to me on the phone, and tell me flat out “Yup I did it”, and then I come home and I know you¬†blatantly¬†LIED to me.. WHAT DO YOU THINK IS GOING TO HAPPEN!?!? ¬†Now, you are grounded.. No bike, scooter, skateboard. ¬†No Tv, no tablet, no phone, no computer. ¬†Nothing. ¬†Nada. ¬†No you can’t play with your friends. ¬† You get to sit in your room AGAIN either going thru all your clothes, socks whatever to see what doesn’t fit, etc.. and think about your behaviour. ¬†Seriously. ¬†This is¬†ridiculous¬† ¬†She has to be bored at this point sitting in her room staring at the walls. ¬† I don’t even know WHAT to do anymore. ¬†Like, I went so far as to pretty much threaten her, that when I go to trial in 2 weeks, I’ll just tell the court to go back to 50/50 custody and she can stay with him again… of course she flipped out, and said no (well cried “no) etc.. so, I’m at my wits end. ¬† 12 years old sucks. ¬†No, I don’t remember this age.. Hell I don’t remember much of ANYTHING really growing up. ¬†I see pictures, and have zero recollection of being there. ¬†Anyway… HELP!


No change in 5 years..

It’s interesting reading back on this blog. ¬†It’s been around for 5 years now. ¬†I think it’s probably the longest I have been “committed” to something other than my kid or my dogs. ¬†LOL ¬† Anyway, I came across this post, I think it was my 2nd post on this blog. ¬†It’s weird when you stop and think about how much life changes over the years, but when you REALLY think about it, does anything really change? ¬†This is years ago… but still fits me today.. to the T.

Happy Friday y’all..¬†

Monday, July 9, 2007

Sleep..

Trying to fall asleep at night is a pretty difficult feat for me.. once asleep, it’s ok.. but it’s the process of shutting down my brain in order to be relaxed enough to fall asleep that is so difficult. So last night, I was trying to slow down my thoughts and of course I started thinking again.. Trying to picture just black darkness, but somehow thoughts and images seem to creep back in, polluting my head to where it is spinning yet again. It seems days are filled with immediate thoughts and actions, where night time is where my head decides it’s time to start thinking of the most mundane things that apparently I was too busy to think about during the day.
I can’t imagine this is insomnia, and I can’t take anything at night time for fear I will be completely worthless in the morning, or I won’t wake up enough if something were wrong with my daughter.¬†
So I continue to lay here, with thoughts dancing in my head, and worries and frets about the coming days’ activities.. Sweet Dreams or nightmares?¬†

How do you know who it is that you are meant for? How do you know what is supposed to happen in your life? How do you know when everything falls into place? How do you know why things happen “for a reason”? How do you know where all of this will happen? You don’t get to know. It just is. So now I will try to go back to sleep and stop worrying about all of this.. because it just is.

Surreal. Convoluted. Empty
A plethora of emotions
haunting at the same time..

A sea of smoke
fills the room
and burns my eyes..

Daring tears to fall
my eyes close
until sleep finally takes over…..

Le Jardin..

Wanted to update on my garden. ¬†It’s a jungle. ¬† In the tangled mess of the watermelon, pumpkin and¬†cantaloupe… there are 3 watermelons still growing.. After opening that last one, I figured I’ll wait a few more weeks to try this other HUGE one.. ¬† There is ONE (1) SINGLE pumpkin. ¬†FFS, ONE!!? Anyway, I did find two hidden¬†cantaloupes¬†TRYING to grow.. not sure if they will make it or not. ¬†I ripped out the squash plants.. they get ugly after awhile. HAHA ¬†Planted some cucumbers. ¬†I love cucumbers. ¬†How does one spell kewks is how it sounds to me, short for cucumbers?? cucs? hhmmmm¬†
Anyway, those will start producing in a couple weeks. ¬†The Zucchini plants are doing great.. I picked the first fruit/veggie last night and probably too late, because it was HUGE.. it was a good foot long.. ūüė¶ ¬†we’ll see.. ¬†
The tomatillos are starting to grow. I had no idea HOW they grew, but as you can see below, they produce the “skin” pod thingy first, which is hollow, and then the tomatillo grows “into” that. ¬†Kinda cool. ¬†ūüôā ¬† My Grape Vine!! It looks like it’s flexing muscles!! ¬†I LOVE how it grew!! haha ¬†hhmmm OH! going to plant some PURPLE tomatillo!! ¬†How fun would that be to have purple salsa!?¬†
Still waiting on some “real” corn to show up to try, not too much longer. ¬†You can see a watermelon behind the red chili bush/tree thingy… ¬†There are a couple jalapenos FINALLY growing on the stupid plant that kept trying to commit suicide on me… ¬†Anyhoo… here are some pics for you to laugh at. ¬†
(ÔĹ°‚óē‚ÄŅ‚óēÔĹ°)


BEHOLD LE JARDIN JUNGLE!  

Empty tomatillo shells

Some green Roma Tomatoes

A singular watermelon

The ONLY pumpkin out of the whole damn mess!

FINALLY a tiny bunch of broccoli is showing up..  ggrrrr

This looks like a STRONG vine.. you know, flexing.. meh. whatever.

Oh the sneaky watermelon I found growing behind the peppers.. 

Jalapenos I saved from suicide.. ¬†there are like 5 growing.. ūüėÄ

Cucumbers!!! ¬†Can’t wait!¬†

This is THE MESS. ¬†I can’t wait to rip it all out. ¬†NO MORE MELONS of any type.