Things are tough..

Things seem to be going pretty shitty for so many people right now.  An old friend of mine that I haven’t kept in touch with (I suck as a friend) just let me know that he lost his studio, some surrounding homes, and the old shop burned down.  Lost everything.  I think of the stupid bullshit I am going thru now with uncle sam, and that just has no comparison to what my friend is going thru right now..  Fire.  Lost everything. How do you get that back?  Pictures, poetry, drawings, things from your head/heart at that moment in time that you could look at whenever you want to… is gone.  Losing a part of your life… like an appendage so to speak.  I feel so terribly about what happened, and how he must be feeling right now.  I hear that he is pretty happy with his life besides this huge loss, and for that I am very grateful..  I am happy that he is happy.. Altho, a part of me is pretty sad.. For more than just that.  

I wish there was something I could do to help, but I’m not sure there is.. 
Anyway, if there is… let me know..

Getting away..

So this week, I’ve worked already 36 hours and it’s only wednesday…  I am gonna take friday off, and leave for the weekend..  I believe I am going to head out thursday night, get a hotel room, and hang out in Lake Havasu, hit up the nekkid turtle for some beers and wait for some friends to show up friday…   Busy week, and very STRESSFUL week, so it will be nice just to hang with me, and some adults for the weekend..  This will be the last havasu trip I *Think* for the season… maybe one more Mojave run, but not sure..  NEXT weekend however, I am taking the kid out to the dry lake bed to go dirt bike riding.  Well, quading I guess haha.  Some friends have kids and smaller dirtbikes, so I am going to teach the kid how to ride a TWO wheeler dirtbike.  She can ride a bicycle just fine… but this will be waay cool.  I can’t wait..  Riding season is upon us, and we are blessed with so much.. dirt.  Thank you God. 🙂

Hope ya’ll have a great weekend!  I will be floating down the river with beers and not thinking about shit for a few days…  

Scared Shitless..

So.. today just might have been the most frightening day of my entire existence.  Just to make a long story short (as per custody agreement, she was with her dad last night), the Kid never showed up at school today..  Couldn’t get a hold of ANYONE to find out what was up.  So in my head, there had to have been some accident, she’s … anyway.. you get the idea.  So I leave work, go driving around and finally find her with her dad.  All fear aside at this point, now I have moved on to “SHEER RAGE”.  The kid and her dad apparently had too much fun at the fair last night, and decided to “sleep in”.  

OK, WRONG!  You don’t ignore your phone or her MOTHER and fail to mention her where abouts since she is not at SCHOOL where she should be!!  UGH!  
Maybe I was out of line being that worried, but no one could get ahold of her dad or anything.  I think the “excuse” is what pissed me off to no end.  
So, now.. I’m just LIVID. I’m sure that will last a while.  
People Suck.

Tired of it all..

As I mentioned before, I don’t understand how people can be so cruel and vindictive.  Not only does it hurt the person (ok, me) right then and there, but it continues to conjure up thoughts, and emotions, that weren’t there before.  It is literally making me crazy.  I am now so full of self doubt and doubting others around me.  I can’t look at my “friends” the same now.  I really don’t think I am a bad person.  Sometimes a bad friend, but aren’t we all at some point?  But for someone to say things to make me start to feel that I am in fact stupid, and much more naive than anyone I have ever met, it’s just mean.  I keep having these conversations in my own head to try to make the negative shit go away.  Any idea how hard that is?  

I get to a point where all the negative thoughts start manifesting into this huge storm of emotions, and I feel I can’t stop them.  Then comes the anxiety.  Why do I allow this to happen?  No one MADE me have these feelings/emotions.  I allowed for these shitty ass words to creep into my head and more importantly my heart, and I feel like I am being slowly ruined. 
Dramatic, ya I know, but it gets overwhelming. 

I’m Tired.


So I have been having some difficulties lately.. Things that are going on in my life, and really NOT appealing to me right now. Nor are certain PEOPLE. I can’t believe people are so miserable in their lives, and so cruel as to say whatever they find necessary to bring others down. Others that they “supposedly” care about. I mean, HURTFUL things. WHY on earth would someone intentionally want to hurt someone?! I don’t get it. I really don’t, and it’s very disheartening. I get the whole Misery loves company.. but shit.. go find it somewheres else. Leave me the hell alone!!! I don’t want to be a part of ANY of that kind of life. I am really, desperately actually, trying to be happy for a change!! 

I came across something today, that just made sense to me. I printed it out and put it on my wall : “Laugh when you can, apologize when you should. Let go of what you can’t change. Kiss slowly, play hard and forgive quickly. Take chances, give Everything and have no regrets.” : No regrets. I have a few. Probably a few more than I really need, but I have them nonetheless. I have a hard time with the apologize when you should. I do try to do that all the time. I find that no one else around me has really adopted that. Oh, and the forgive quickly. HAHAHA wow. I have tried over and over and over and over (you get the idea) and holy shit if that isn’t one of my biggest obstacles in life. Wow. Forgive. I can’t forgive and forget. They go hand in hand. I believe you can’t do one successfully without the other. So, forgive means that I should drop it and forget it. I have a memory of an elephant. I remember obscure things. It sucks sometimes. So, that lends more difficulties to me to try to forget. Doesn’t happen. Damn it. 
Let’s get to disappointment. I HATE to disappoint people. But I hate even more being disappointed. I guess I’m on the low part of the roller coaster that is my life. Having fun and partying with friends, gets kinda old pretty quick. My kid is the most important thing in my life. With the issues I have ongoing with the IRS (don’t ask), and bullshit asshole people who I once trusted, I made a LOT of changes recently. I don’t even know if I can trust my OWN heart anymore. That’s pretty low. Times are very difficult, but I’m getting better with it. Sometimes you really do have to push people away in order to deal with the bullshit. I know things turn around, and get better.. someday. When is the hell does “someday” get here!?

Back to life..

So yesterday was the first day of school..  THIRD GRADE!!  I can’t believe it.  The kid is 8 1/2 and is taller than my armpit now..  I’m a little scared. 😉  She’ll be 10 yrs old and as tall as me.  THAT is just wrong. haha.   She has a male teacher this year, so I am hoping that he will be a different influence on her.  She kinda sucked pretty bad last year at not paying attention, gossiping etc..  I am hoping this one is different.  Apparently he told the class that he is 110 years old and lives in a cardboard box under the freeway.  She said she likes him and that he’s funny.  Hope that works. 😉

So I was able to take the kid to the river this past weekend.  We got to hang out on the boat all day saturday and sunday.  We got to go tubing, and that was a blast.  I was afraid she’d be freaked out etc, but she just kept wanting to go faster!  She and her friend were on it, with Jenn… I guess they were on so long, Jenn decided they were done, grabbed the kids by their life jackets and they all flew off.  Hilarious.   There was a monsoon saturday night, which we expected.  THAT was great.  100 degrees, flash floods, so much lightning, and the thunder was so loud, I can’t even describe it.  But just to stand in the middle of it all, and soak it in, was awesome.
Sunday was spent sliding down a sandhill with boogie boards.  Interesting.  Especially when the adults did it.  Then there were the sand wrestling matches.  I STILL have sand in my ears! LOL
All in all, it was a great time, and the kid was soo happy.  
I apparently have an issue at my house with lizards.  They don’t bother me, as a matter of fact I have tried to help the kid catch them.  Well, yesterday, I was trying to hop over one as I didn’t want to step on it/kill it (it was a smaller baby) and stubbed my toe pretty bad.  Actually, I think I broke it.  😦  It’s turning black/blue, not like your normal ‘bruise’ tho.  Very swollen, and painful.  I think I can feel where the bone cracked.  Oh well, 7 more toes to break. 😉
Anyway, the lizard thing.  So I was taking a shower this morning, and what SERIOUSLY looked like the same damn lizard was on top of the shower curtain, like WATCHING ME!  Startled me for a second, but, I finished up careful not to get him to jump too fast, make me scream etc.. HAHA  Got out of the shower, dried off, grabbed the little sucker and tossed him out front with the other 34,000 other lizards I seem to be breeding out there.  I mean really, I have never seen so many lizards before!  
Anyway, that’s about it.. kinda boring, but still fun..
Take care ya’ll..
And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.”

P.S.  If anyone knows WHERE to get this background, please let me know…  My harddrive crashed and I have searched almost the ENTIRE internet.. can’t find it.. found a similar one, but it’s just ‘not it’.   Thanks..