What a wonderful day!  Dano is sooo excited.  This morning, we are off for her first photo shoot.. 🙂  She’s getting her Zed/Comp cards done and wants to see if she has what “it takes” to be a model.  It’s hard to see her get her hopes up, I don’t want her to be super devastated if no one calls her.. I HOPE she gets called.. but I am biased of course and think they will ALL call her.. haha  I haven’t done a shoot for about 15 years.. I am kind of excited too.. sshhh. 
I hope to get a few pictures of us together so we have something.. taking ‘self portraits’ on the iphone together just doesn’t really cut it anymore.. 
I am off til next year!  Happy New Year kids..   xoxo

Something new~ish..

Lots to update on..  After 1 1/2 years of doing itworks (see link to the right for www.ieskinnywrap.com) I have gone from a high of 175 lbs down now to about 145 lbs.  I have fluctuated a little.. but that is normal I think.  That said, having a broken back and leg (October 2008) it’s been very difficult for me to “exercise”.  I was (very past tense) doing some hiking in the hills by the house, but during the summer, it was 100+ degrees, so I stopped.  NOW is the perfect time to put my shape ups back on and hit the dirt.  I did actually clean up my garage.  FINALLY.  HOW on earth it gets as cramped as it does, I have no idea.  
Anyhoo, with the garage cleaned up, I can get to my BOWFLEX!!!!  I am soo happy.  I saw an ad with JWOWW (NO, I DO NOT WATCH JERSEY SHORE), modeling some new bikini’s.  I want to look like that.  I’ve lost the dreaded weight, and kept it off, now I need to “firm it all up”.  I think once I start using my bowflex about 14 times per week, I will start feeling better about myself.  Notice, I didn’t say “look” better or anything. How I look depends on what I see, not others.  So, as long as I feel good about me, it’s all good.  RIGHT? 
On another note.. nah.  Nevermind. 🙂  
Now that it is a few days til Christmas, I can’t wait to have Dano open her presents. I got her some things that she really doesn’t know she wants.  HAHA  Once she opens them, she’ll be happy.  Seeing that HUGE smile on her face is the best present to me ever.  For any holiday. Any day of the year.   Her dad and his side of the family have taken so much advantage of me, it’s not even funny.  I am not in a position to fight it.  I don’t like that.  But, AFTER the holidays, I will be better able to.  I’m looking forward to that.  I know in my heart I can’t control everything, but it’s hard to accept it.  I’m trying.  Growing up, I HATED to be alone.  Like REALLY.  As I’ve grown into an adult (ok, a cleverly disguised adult.. haha) I cherish the alone times.  Having full custody for the last 7 months, and having Dano with me all the time has been absolutely wonderful.  It’s teaching me so many things as a mother.  What I should and shouldn’t talk about to her etc..  She’s 11 going on 25.  It’s been like that for years tho.  She’s much more mature that most kids her age.  It is what it is.. I’m still learning too.  She’s been gone the last two nights.  I’ve had “alone” time.  Quite honestly, it sucks.  Hhmm maybe, I enjoyed being alone, but I don’t like being LONELY.  Does that make sense?  I KNOW not to base my loneliness or happiness or anything on my child.. that is wrong and I KNOW that.. I’m just so used to her being around is all.. I cleaned last night, like grout in the kitchen tile, took apart the vacuum to get all the hair out of it so it would spin again (we shed SOO much, I don’t know how neither of us is bald yet),  steam cleaned the floor, changed out tube lighting in the kitchen, steam cleaned the couches etc… so I kept myself busy, then I started to read.  “Why men LOVE Bitches” by Sherry Argov.  WOW.. Couldn’t put it down.  Great book. I have been playing the “Nice woman” for WAAAY too long in my life.. I can actually SEE in hindsight what I’ve been doing wrong for so many years.. Pretty cool actually.  Anyway, I’ve gone on and on about really nothing.. so have a great day.. .:) 

Care to explain?

I don’t understand people.. Fact: I am a single mother.. I pay for all my own things.. house, truck, bills etc.  If I want something, I have to pay cash (AFTER bills etc are paid), or I don’t get it.. (I don’t want cc’s to get further into debt)..   I can NOT fathom HOW people can BLOW OFF certain things because they are selfish.  Let’s say.. Child support.  It is a COURT ORDERED bill.. like Alimony.  You would think, as the PAYER that you would make sure that gets paid on time so that they courts don’t come after you.  Ok sidenote: Do courts even DO that?  I guess not, since so many people are so far behind it doesn’t matter anymore.. Anyway.. I guess people don’t see a reason to pay things like that.. or a JOINT car payment that shouldn’t have been joint in the first place..  INSTEAD, let’s go out an buy a new iPhone!  Ya.. let’s do that.. my kid doesn’t need any money or anything… and that old car.. I crashed it anyway.. it’s just sitting there.. why bother paying that..  AAAAAARRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH  I can’t figure out WHY/HOW people are so irresponsible.   
And then, the “other guy” (family) that borrows and borrows, and never pays back.. then “borrows” your SS# to open an account, and CONTINUE to rack it up, and NEVER PAY FOR IT, so that I get collection letters saying I owe over $3,800 for something that isn’t even MINE!  In trying to DISPUTE said account.. “It’s YOUR SS #, it is YOUR bill”..   after 8 attempts to dispute and hearing the same thing… I’m over it.  My hours have been reduced drastically, and now I’m trying to cut every corner I can to make ends meet.. My kid knows about it, and that doesn’t exactly make things any better..   Ya.  Merry Christmas.  

The last part..

The last part to my being annoyed this morning, this has been bothering me for quite a while now..
Who are we as human beings to “JUDGE” others? I mean, what makes you so much better than the person sitting next to you that you can pass judgment on them? Just as they are no better than you to judge you.
Or so you would think. There are people out there, as I mentioned this morning,  who will look down their noses at you as if they belong on some pedestal, and judge you for just about anything. They are no better. In fact, I personally feel the reason that people do this is because they themselves are ashamed. I may be wrong, but that is how I see it. They are ashamed of themselves, so they will look down on others to make them feel better. It is a sad way to live life. And in the end, they really don’t have any of what are called REAL “friends”.
I am guilty of judging others. However, I am trying REALLY hard to not do so.. I am no better than anyone. I want to be a good person. I want to be equals with people, granted I don’t know that it’s possible to be equals with everyone.. we just don’t think the same. I want to be happy.  so I gotta be a good person, and stop judging others, even for petty things.. because even the petty things hurt.


Why am I going full circle..

So who believes in Fate and all that happens is for some reason or another? Yea, me neither. I mean, once I did. I really did. But the more I think about it, it seems a complete waste to leave everything up to “chance” really. If I want something to happen in my life, I have to Make it happen.  Not leave it up to “fate” or “chance” or whoever to do it for me. I mean, where would that lead me?  If I had done that, let’s just say, I wouldn’t be the happiest person. Who knows how things would be at this point.. it didn’t happen, so Oh Well right?
I guess some things happen for a reason to some degree. Subtely of course. Like the guy who lost his job and was just about broke but because he put his resume out there to every single company he could find, he got a job offer. Things are going well for him now. But did he make that happen with hard work and diligence or did it all happen for a reason to perhaps teach him the lesson that job security doesn’t exist and you better have something to fall back on if you ever do get let go?
I still don’t know. Maybe a little of both. I would like to think that. I like to try to learn something from all experiences that I’ve had. You have some bad ones, and you learn from them and swear not to repeat it, but then “fate”(?) steps in and there you are all over again. Is it fate that brought you there? Or your own doing because it’s just something you wanted to do again? At what point do you say, “the first time, that was a mistake.. I did it again, now this time it’s not a mistake tho, this was a CHOICE”.. And what about regret? Do you regret anything? What’s the point of regret anyway?  We obviously can’t CHANGE the past, but again learn from it, and move on…  I have WAAY too much on my mind right now… 

Same shit.. different (insert whatever)..

I am REALLY annoyed today.  I am appalled at how people look down their noses at others.  I mean, WHO are you that you think you are better than ANYONE else!?  I am not better than anyone.. I am VERY honest about that.  I am almost FORTY YEARS OLD.  (Ok, in a year and three months) I am TOO OLD to be playing juvenile high school bullshit games.  MY BUSINESS IS MY BUSINESS.  What I do, say, anything, is NONE OF YOUR business.. and vice versa, of course.  When I do something, it does not become YOUR concern to go broadcast to others.  YOU ARE NOT BETTER than I am.  I *THOUGHT* we are all equal.  I mean, we WERE created equal if I recall correctly.  Apparently, my feeble attempt at trying to convince myself that people really are my “friend”s, blew up in my face yet again.  Think about it.. we are alone in this world, and we die alone.  That handful of people that haven’t stabbed you in the back, or front for that matter, or lied to you or whatever else, may mourn you when you are gone.. but you are alone.  TRUST is a word very similar to LOVE.  Words that are thrown around just as much as gossip about others.  Saying “I love you” is HUGE.  That is actually TRUSTING someone with your emotions.  People take it for granted all too often.  TRUST is earned, and it really doesn’t take much to destroy that.  Like most, I tend to shut people out once they’ve destroyed it (including immediately family members).  I’ve gone so far as tattooing it on my arm as a constant reminder to  “shut your mouth self.. you are just going to get pissed off for trying yet again to prove yourself wrong”…  I think my next tat should be something like “don’t be an idiot, everybody hates you”.. or something..