I am so proud of my Dano. This past weekend, she went to volunteer at a homeless shelter, cleaning and painting it. She worked REALLY hard, and told me all about what she thought about it afterwards. I can’t say it humbled her really, but she did talk a lot about homeless people and soup kitchens and her thoughts about life in general. They were her private thoughts so I won’t share them, but I am REALLY VERY VERY proud of her, and I hope this is something that sticks with her for a long time. XOXOXO for my Dano.
I’ve been constantly asking myself lately, if this is where I am supposed to be in life. I mean, I’m 39, and a single Mom. I’ve taken care of myself since I was 16 years old. I did the married thing for a few years, and realized it wasn’t for me. (or I picked the wrong guy, or I am just a bitch, or whatever). Anyway, since turning 39 a couple weeks ago, and taking a good look around me, I found I’m a little bit lost. On the one hand I feel like “Oh my gosh, I’m 39 years old and what do I have to show for my life except where I am RIGHT this minute.” I feel like I screwed up so many things and maybe I’m starting over for the 3rd time? Like another “mid life crisis”… now, on the OTHER hand… I feel like I’m old. I’m done. No one is going to want to date an old hag like me with a full time kid to boot. I’m damaged goods. And even tho that may be, WHY AM I OK WITH THAT!?!? I like being alone. No one to have to do anything for (besides Dano). I can do what I want (which isn’t a whole hell of a lot since I have Dano.. NO COMPLAINTS here btw). And then I think, but I don’t have anyone to share ME with… And this is where I decided I’m lost. I don’t know where I should be. Or what I should be doing. I have a job, Dano and I are healthy, my business is doing pretty good (even tho I want to quit my day job and do my business full time).. Whose to say where MY life should be?? Am I behind in achievements or something? Should I try sky diving again? Learn scuba diving? WHAT AM I MISSING!?!?!? Usually writing this stuff gives me a little clarity… no such luck this time…
Something strange is goin on lately.. I’m “HAPPY”. Like for consecutive days. I am staying AHEAD of the game for once. haha I smile for NO reason. Which by the way has been buttloads of fun lately. I was thinking, when I was growing up, I was in GATE and skipped grades blah blah. I went to the schools that were local to where I lived. I did get into a technology program at a high school outside my city which I subsequently BLEW it and was kicked out of the school.. Anyway, that’s not my point. Now that I am being “forced” to move which I see as a blessing in disguise, I am researching the schools local to the city I want to move to, to check it out, see what it’s like, read comments from other parents etc. Can it be that I am growing up!? I am looking to move, but I have to make sure that the schools (Jr High, and High School) that Dano will be attending are “Distinguished” schools, or rank pretty high up there. I am actually basing, for the first time in my life, where I am going to move to strictly based on Dano. Not any of my selfish wishes. Don’t get me wrong, I do almost EVERYTHING for Dano, school projects, all the crap she wants etc.. It IS really, just LUCK that all the retail places I like, and the drive thru $tarbuck$, and the market and all that just “happen” to be walking distance, just like the schools… 😉 Yay for me. I know I’m a parent, and that I just turned 39 but THIS specific event in my life I don’t feel like a 20 something like usual. I actually feel kind of “responsible” I think. Can’t do TOO much of that, I’ll start acting “old”, but this is pretty cool. I think we’re going to go this weekend to the swap meet and get her the “beach cruiser” she really wants to ride to school. It is like 1.3 miles, so she has to have a cool bike. She wants purple. I said sure, with a bike “bling bling” bell on it, and a basket with big purple flames, and flames on the bike frame, and some other cool stuff.. Right? LOL
I spend so much time trying to be optimistic for others. Cheer everyone else up.. “It’s going to be ok” “Trust me, It will all work out” “Tomorrow is another day” etc blah blah.. Rather than go on about more drivel, I’ll get right to it. I just learned that my landlord at the house I am currently renting for the last 2 1/2 years, decided to let the house go into foreclosure. BUZZKILL! Love my house. Well, THE house. Rather than typically freaking out and wondering “What’s going to happen to me!?!?”.. I went another route altogether. It’s funny.. when I realized that eventually I will have to move, I started picking the house apart. “Those cracks in the concrete will cost a fortune to fix. The coping is coming away from the pool wall, THAT will cost a grip of cash. This 70’s linoleum is just hideous”.. you know, things like that. haha LOVE having a pool. But the more I think about it, the cost of the water I had to put in the pool, the cost of electricity of running the pump every night etc… I think I am ok with NOT having a pool. What are friends for?! haha So, I changed my selfish thinking. I need to move to a home that is ideally located close to the Jr High school and the High school so Dano can walk to school. Saving money on the water and the electric, AND saving daycare costs… will allow me to move into a “nicer” home. I think it’s time for that. Dano’s “Dad” has made things very shitty to say the least. Back to talking thru his lawyer. Whatever. My point is, regardless of all this… It is a GOOD THING! It’s time for a change. A new start. If you follow my blog, you know I’ve made some changes in the past year, and this will be the icing on the cake. I found a house last night on line, and contacted the “agent” to set up a time to see the house. Turns out he’s the homeowner, NOT the agent. I like that a LOT. It’s almost impossible to deal with “leasing agents” or whatever, to try to get ANYTHING fixed in the house. I’m a I’ll fix it with your approval, and take it off the rent… repair and deduct kind of girl. Anyway, I’ve bored you enough. Life is throwing me a bunch of shit, but it’s “OK”… I can handle it. I always have. Might post more later, after I see the house. Me and Dano are gonna be just fine, and we BOTH can’t stop smiling today… 😉 Happy Friday and Happy Easter.