Ok, so I couldn’t wait til tomorrow.. Had to get it out now..
I know for most people, human nature is to help others.. Yes, I said MOST people. I am the type of person that will give you the shirt off my back. And… with no problems.. I rarely, if ever, expect anything in return. Sometimes, it would be nice if ever I needed help from someone, it would be returned, but hey.. not always the case. I don’t expect it from everyone, but it would be so great for ONE person, just one, to come to my rescue.. ever. So like I said, I am always trying to help someone.. whether family or friends.. even friends of friends I may not even know very well.
Here is my dilemma. How many times does it take to help someone that keeps on shitting on you that you say enough is enough? How many times do you touch the flame before you finally figure out that it’s HOT? How many times can you kick a dog before it turns on you and bites you? For me, it’s obviously TOO MANY. I’m tired. I am really tired of going out of my way for what? Nothing. Nada. Zilch.
Now, that’s not to say that I won’t forget how hot that flame is and go back again.. Been there, Done that. But come on.. it would be so nice for someone to ask me “Hey, can I help YOU with that? (or anything for that matter).. ” Don’t get me wrong.. I’m not feeling sorry for myself.. or anything like that.. Because I really don’t feel sorry for myself. Sometimes, it just SUCKS is all… Does this make me selfish now? I mean, it is a rare day that I am completely selfish and just do for me, but aren’t we supposed to do that on occasion?? I’m just venting I guess about how some people just aren’t the “giving” type. And then there are those people like me. Hopefully there are some left.
“Who are we to be better or less than another? We are all equal and should be treated as such.”
Ok, so I really think I need to LET GO of a LOT of shit in my life. There is only so much crap a person can pile on and expect to keep going at a normal rate. People in general hold on to a lot of things. Emotions, Anger, Hatred as well as love and friendships. I don’t have any issues, with the few friendships that I have held on to. I choose to hang on to a limited number of “good friends” because they are very valuable to me. Here is where my problem lies: I hang on to too much of the bad stuff. Just like everyone else.
I have known for a long time that i have to let things go. But then I get to the point where, it’s like “Ok, I WANT to let this go, and I WILL let this go, but I want you (whomever it is) to hear me out so that I CAN let go.” The shitty part for me, is that I either don’t get to that point of “closure” of my own doing, or whomever I am trying to let go of, (metaphorically) won’t allow me to. That’s where it gets bad.
How can you let go, when (for example a person) they have already done so, but won’t let you do the same. No, it’s not fair, but for me personally, I think I deserve that opportunity. When I don’t have that, I just continue to stew on “everything” good or bad, and I’m back at square one. Anger, same thing.. Actually no. I am getting better (didn’t say great) at dealing with and letting go of anger. It’s this other BS that keeps haunting me.
What is after anger? I mean, after being pissed off at a person, or ending a friendship, or whatever, I’m usually pissed for a while. Oh! HURT.. that’s my next step.. Since I obviously get past the anger part and move on to hurt, is that what it is that keeps sticking around? Maybe it’s beyond hurt and now it’s resentment. Resenting that person for having wasted my time and my feelings and efforts that I put into a so called friendship… Yea, I really think THAT is where MY problem of letting go lies. That has to be it.
Crap, this sucks then. Because once I start thinking about the fact that I resent that person or myself even, I start getting pissed again.. Great.. a vicious circle of crap to not be able to let go of. Ever notice the whole “out of sight out of mind” works until that person or thing mysteriously shows up again? And then all those shitty feelings come flooding back and they are all fresh again. Oy. Oh well.. that’s for another day.
Out of sheer frustration, I find myself staring at the ceiling counting the popcorn up there… The anger phase has almost passed, yet I can’t seem to find the “inspiration” to write anything to try and feel better.. I would much rather take a knife to the couch or a pillow, however, I know what kind of mess that will leave to clean up, and of course it will be me doing the clean up. Not so much fun.
So instead I sit here trying to stay calm and keep breathing normally. I hate the fact that I allow someone to make me feel so angry… Not one of my better days.
So far… Nothing is working.
Everyone gets angry once in a while.. it’s how we deal with it that exposes our “character”… Some of us will hit things, or break things.. others may just scream or cry.. while some may write these emotions down… that’s what I do. Still not too sure about how much “relief” I get from actually writing, but here’s an example:
Like the water boiling over
The pot extinguishing blue flames below
Turning to the window
Daring night to fall
Casting away shadows
Into the darkness
Crimson shades take on
The form of my face
As the anger rises higher
And I can no longer see
Silence filled the room
That reeks of bourbon
And stale smoke
As tears fall gently to the floor.
How do YOU deal with anger???