It’s interesting reading back on this blog. It’s been around for 5 years now. I think it’s probably the longest I have been “committed” to something other than my kid or my dogs. LOL Anyway, I came across this post, I think it was my 2nd post on this blog. It’s weird when you stop and think about how much life changes over the years, but when you REALLY think about it, does anything really change? This is years ago… but still fits me today.. to the T.
Happy Friday y’all..
Trying to fall asleep at night is a pretty difficult feat for me.. once asleep, it’s ok.. but it’s the process of shutting down my brain in order to be relaxed enough to fall asleep that is so difficult. So last night, I was trying to slow down my thoughts and of course I started thinking again.. Trying to picture just black darkness, but somehow thoughts and images seem to creep back in, polluting my head to where it is spinning yet again. It seems days are filled with immediate thoughts and actions, where night time is where my head decides it’s time to start thinking of the most mundane things that apparently I was too busy to think about during the day.
I can’t imagine this is insomnia, and I can’t take anything at night time for fear I will be completely worthless in the morning, or I won’t wake up enough if something were wrong with my daughter.
So I continue to lay here, with thoughts dancing in my head, and worries and frets about the coming days’ activities.. Sweet Dreams or nightmares?
How do you know who it is that you are meant for? How do you know what is supposed to happen in your life? How do you know when everything falls into place? How do you know why things happen “for a reason”? How do you know where all of this will happen? You don’t get to know. It just is. So now I will try to go back to sleep and stop worrying about all of this.. because it just is.
Surreal. Convoluted. Empty
A plethora of emotions
haunting at the same time..
A sea of smoke
fills the room
and burns my eyes..
Daring tears to fall
my eyes close
until sleep finally takes over…..
I’ve been constantly asking myself lately, if this is where I am supposed to be in life. I mean, I’m 39, and a single Mom. I’ve taken care of myself since I was 16 years old. I did the married thing for a few years, and realized it wasn’t for me. (or I picked the wrong guy, or I am just a bitch, or whatever). Anyway, since turning 39 a couple weeks ago, and taking a good look around me, I found I’m a little bit lost. On the one hand I feel like “Oh my gosh, I’m 39 years old and what do I have to show for my life except where I am RIGHT this minute.” I feel like I screwed up so many things and maybe I’m starting over for the 3rd time? Like another “mid life crisis”… now, on the OTHER hand… I feel like I’m old. I’m done. No one is going to want to date an old hag like me with a full time kid to boot. I’m damaged goods. And even tho that may be, WHY AM I OK WITH THAT!?!? I like being alone. No one to have to do anything for (besides Dano). I can do what I want (which isn’t a whole hell of a lot since I have Dano.. NO COMPLAINTS here btw). And then I think, but I don’t have anyone to share ME with… And this is where I decided I’m lost. I don’t know where I should be. Or what I should be doing. I have a job, Dano and I are healthy, my business is doing pretty good (even tho I want to quit my day job and do my business full time).. Whose to say where MY life should be?? Am I behind in achievements or something? Should I try sky diving again? Learn scuba diving? WHAT AM I MISSING!?!?!? Usually writing this stuff gives me a little clarity… no such luck this time…
I spend so much time trying to be optimistic for others. Cheer everyone else up.. “It’s going to be ok” “Trust me, It will all work out” “Tomorrow is another day” etc blah blah.. Rather than go on about more drivel, I’ll get right to it. I just learned that my landlord at the house I am currently renting for the last 2 1/2 years, decided to let the house go into foreclosure. BUZZKILL! Love my house. Well, THE house. Rather than typically freaking out and wondering “What’s going to happen to me!?!?”.. I went another route altogether. It’s funny.. when I realized that eventually I will have to move, I started picking the house apart. “Those cracks in the concrete will cost a fortune to fix. The coping is coming away from the pool wall, THAT will cost a grip of cash. This 70’s linoleum is just hideous”.. you know, things like that. haha LOVE having a pool. But the more I think about it, the cost of the water I had to put in the pool, the cost of electricity of running the pump every night etc… I think I am ok with NOT having a pool. What are friends for?! haha So, I changed my selfish thinking. I need to move to a home that is ideally located close to the Jr High school and the High school so Dano can walk to school. Saving money on the water and the electric, AND saving daycare costs… will allow me to move into a “nicer” home. I think it’s time for that. Dano’s “Dad” has made things very shitty to say the least. Back to talking thru his lawyer. Whatever. My point is, regardless of all this… It is a GOOD THING! It’s time for a change. A new start. If you follow my blog, you know I’ve made some changes in the past year, and this will be the icing on the cake. I found a house last night on line, and contacted the “agent” to set up a time to see the house. Turns out he’s the homeowner, NOT the agent. I like that a LOT. It’s almost impossible to deal with “leasing agents” or whatever, to try to get ANYTHING fixed in the house. I’m a I’ll fix it with your approval, and take it off the rent… repair and deduct kind of girl. Anyway, I’ve bored you enough. Life is throwing me a bunch of shit, but it’s “OK”… I can handle it. I always have. Might post more later, after I see the house. Me and Dano are gonna be just fine, and we BOTH can’t stop smiling today… 😉 Happy Friday and Happy Easter.
This past year, there have been a lot of changes in my life.. Mostly for the better.. No need to be negative nelly about the bad stuff. Yesterday in the mail, I received my reward for spending what seemed to be at LEAST 10 hours of my life trying to make a rather big change. I got my new drivers license, WITH my new name. After my divorce was finalized back in 2005 or somewhere around there, I decided it was time to change my name.. I thought about it and thought about it.. and yes, hindsight IS 20/20 and now am glad I did what I did. I’ve gone thru a few chapters in my life with different names. My birth name was one chapter of course.. kinda long too. TOO long for my taste but, it is what it is. Then I got married. We’ll skip the diatribe here about what a mistake it was, how could I have been drunk for so many years, blah blah, etc. ANOTHER chapter that was too long. Meh. So a few years back, I went to court, and also posted in some obscure newspaper to change my name. My birth name was NOT something I wanted to be associated with anymore because certain people that still have that name have rather “tarnished” it.. So much so, I don’t want ANY association with it. So in 2008 I legally changed my name, to something else altogether. (and no, not Smith, tho I thought about it.. haha) FINALLY. Hold up.. not so fast. I changed it legally, but never got around to actually CHANGING it and using it. Since the “incident” occurred in June, that kind of put thoughts into my head, that I REALLY need to move on, and disassociate myself with “that” name. About a month ago, I went for it. Headed over to the Social Security office and turned in my paperwork to get the ball rolling. Once I received that, I went last week to the DMV (I HATE THAT PLACE) and got a new Drivers License.. sidenote: WHY do the employees at the DMV make sure to get THE ABSOLUTE worst picture of you they can to put on your DL?!?!?!)
Anyway, I got it in the mail yesterday. FINALLY. New chapter starting NOW. Off to change the bank info, checks, atm card, all my utility accounts, work, paycheck etcetera… ugh.. fun times.. haha
The only REAL drawback I see now: Dano told me “That’s great.. but now you aren’t my mom anymore”.. 😦 EVERYTHING is different now.. but it’s still the same.. RIGHT??