Something new~ish..

Lots to update on..  After 1 1/2 years of doing itworks (see link to the right for I have gone from a high of 175 lbs down now to about 145 lbs.  I have fluctuated a little.. but that is normal I think.  That said, having a broken back and leg (October 2008) it’s been very difficult for me to “exercise”.  I was (very past tense) doing some hiking in the hills by the house, but during the summer, it was 100+ degrees, so I stopped.  NOW is the perfect time to put my shape ups back on and hit the dirt.  I did actually clean up my garage.  FINALLY.  HOW on earth it gets as cramped as it does, I have no idea.  
Anyhoo, with the garage cleaned up, I can get to my BOWFLEX!!!!  I am soo happy.  I saw an ad with JWOWW (NO, I DO NOT WATCH JERSEY SHORE), modeling some new bikini’s.  I want to look like that.  I’ve lost the dreaded weight, and kept it off, now I need to “firm it all up”.  I think once I start using my bowflex about 14 times per week, I will start feeling better about myself.  Notice, I didn’t say “look” better or anything. How I look depends on what I see, not others.  So, as long as I feel good about me, it’s all good.  RIGHT? 
On another note.. nah.  Nevermind. 🙂  
Now that it is a few days til Christmas, I can’t wait to have Dano open her presents. I got her some things that she really doesn’t know she wants.  HAHA  Once she opens them, she’ll be happy.  Seeing that HUGE smile on her face is the best present to me ever.  For any holiday. Any day of the year.   Her dad and his side of the family have taken so much advantage of me, it’s not even funny.  I am not in a position to fight it.  I don’t like that.  But, AFTER the holidays, I will be better able to.  I’m looking forward to that.  I know in my heart I can’t control everything, but it’s hard to accept it.  I’m trying.  Growing up, I HATED to be alone.  Like REALLY.  As I’ve grown into an adult (ok, a cleverly disguised adult.. haha) I cherish the alone times.  Having full custody for the last 7 months, and having Dano with me all the time has been absolutely wonderful.  It’s teaching me so many things as a mother.  What I should and shouldn’t talk about to her etc..  She’s 11 going on 25.  It’s been like that for years tho.  She’s much more mature that most kids her age.  It is what it is.. I’m still learning too.  She’s been gone the last two nights.  I’ve had “alone” time.  Quite honestly, it sucks.  Hhmm maybe, I enjoyed being alone, but I don’t like being LONELY.  Does that make sense?  I KNOW not to base my loneliness or happiness or anything on my child.. that is wrong and I KNOW that.. I’m just so used to her being around is all.. I cleaned last night, like grout in the kitchen tile, took apart the vacuum to get all the hair out of it so it would spin again (we shed SOO much, I don’t know how neither of us is bald yet),  steam cleaned the floor, changed out tube lighting in the kitchen, steam cleaned the couches etc… so I kept myself busy, then I started to read.  “Why men LOVE Bitches” by Sherry Argov.  WOW.. Couldn’t put it down.  Great book. I have been playing the “Nice woman” for WAAAY too long in my life.. I can actually SEE in hindsight what I’ve been doing wrong for so many years.. Pretty cool actually.  Anyway, I’ve gone on and on about really nothing.. so have a great day.. .:) 

It’s all ok..

I have been doing a lot of thinking, and I am ok. Yea, I get pissed and hurt and all that crap, but it’s human nature.. You have choices.. Accept shit, Deal with shit, or drop shit and just MOVE ON already. So, I have had time to think about this crap, and I am at the point now where I really DON’T care. 😀 I am GOOD. Things are still crappy financially, and it’s difficult to be a single mom, but I am OK. Would I be happier if I had a lot of money? Sure, who wouldn’t? Am I greedy about it? Nope.. Would I change things that I screwed up? Of course.. but not a lot of them. You are the person you are because of experiences. You learn from them (well, you are supposed to.. ). You grow. Regret isn’t a good thing. Learn from mistakes, even OTHER peoples mistakes. I am really trying to. I have said it before, I want to be a good person. I don’t want to judge others. I want people to see me, and think positively about me. I want my kid to think that I am the best person in the world. Ok, that might be a stretch, but so far so good.. she does think that I rock. Maybe I should start trying to believe that too.

To the world you may be just one person,
who’s name never finds its fame,
The world may never discover your worth
for some it’s just a game.

To the world you may only be a number,
trying to feed you a lie,
The world may never care what makes
you cry.

At times the world may lay on your
shoulder, when life gets you down,
You want to smile and keep on
giving your all, but you frown.

To the world you may be one person
who will never rise to fame,
But to me you mean the world and
your smile still drives me insane.

Author Unknown

To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world.”
-Author Unknown.