This is it.  Tomorrow is the trial.  Many of you know the situation that Dano “The Kid” and I have been on our own for a while now.  Since June 2011 to be exact.  Her “Dad” finally went over the edge so to speak and long story short, was charged by the state for domestic violence after Dano had to call 911 on him and have him arrested.  This is not the first occurrence.  This was the 5th I believe.  There was another police report for a different time it happened, that time he tried to run me over AND slashed a tire.  Quite honestly, I know what it feels like to not be able to “let go” of someone (NOT HIM in my case).  Anyway the court took away his custody and adjusted his visitation to only day visits.  No overnights for the last year and a half.  She had ONE recently, as a trial.  Her bed hadn’t been slept in, in well over a year, she said there were spider webs etc.  He “brushed off” the bed, and made her sleep there.  I have thought of a MULTITUDE of ways to handle myself at the trial tomorrow.  He has a lawyer.  An idiot one at that.  I am kind of hoping that he comes in, guns a blazing with a bunch of finger pointing and she did/said this/that blah blah.  I am not backing down nor conceding however, I am not going that route.  I have 100 pages of texts back/forth with him, stating A LOT.  He’s threatened her.  He’s bailed out on her for HIS COURT ORDERED weekends with her, to go to the river 2 times and to Las Vegas JUST THIS PAST WEEKEND!!  I am not going in with this date he did this, and so on and so forth.  I am going just speak from my heart, and lay it all on the line.  After 1 1/2 years, and ZERO resolutions, compromise (except on my end, I compromised way more than I should have) we can not agree to anything. So now the judge will decide what happens.  Not only that, but the judge for the last 1 1/2 years, was worthless, and tomorrow is the LAST court date with A NEW JUDGE.  WTH!?   Dano has told the court two times already, told HIM and the counselor that she does NOT WANT TO LIVE WITH HIM.  She also wrote a letter to the court and sealed it in an envelope for me to give to the judge that states HER words.  I don’t know what else I can do.  I don’t have money to fork out for a lawyer.  They couldn’t say or express my feelings as a mother anyway.  I’m scared.  I’m scared for Dano that she just might have to live with him part time again.   She cries every time she comes home.   He calls her a liar, belittles her… She finally told him yesterday “I can’t take this anymore.. I don’t want to be with you…”   As a parent, as hard as it may be, but if your child does not want to see you… WHY WOULD YOU FORCE THEM to continue to do that!??!  It would be the hardest thing for me to let her go, but I would do it.  For her.  I wouldn’t force her to want to see me.   Granted, I personally, would need to be committed shortly thereafter, but  that’s just me.  He’s doing just fine with his new girlfriend and her daughter… I wish he would just move on.     Anyway, this is it.  Please pray for me, whatever few of you that read this.. I’ve given up any semblance of a life, to do whatever I can for Dano.  I don’t go out, haven’t seen a bar to “party” for years.. I don’t go to the river.. (Man, I’d LOVE to get a way!)  I can’t afford to do that stuff trying to feed and clothe a growing 12 year old..   Add to that some other personal issues, that have just compounded everything, I don’t “deserve” a break per se, but a little Happiness for a while, would be nice.  


For the first time in I don’t know how long.. I have nothing to say. 
Ok, actually I think I have a LOT to say, but really, why?  What purpose does it serve to say it? I have court tomorrow. Again.  I am sooooo over this bullshit.  I am also tired of being a pushover and agreeing to shit I shouldn’t agree to.  Like the last time.  I promised myself, DO NOT agree to anything.  And stupid me did the opposite.  I’m actually getting along with the donor lately, but I still have to tell myself DO NOT AGREE TO ANYTHING this time.  And stick to it.  Dano wants to talk to the Mediator again.  She doesn’t want more visitation or anything, actually she wants less.  So that’s what I’ll be telling them tomorrow.  I will NOT agree to more visitation for her, since that’s not what SHE wants.  I will repeat all this shit over and over and OVER in my head until court is over tomorrow.  I hate court.  LE SIGH.