This is it.  Tomorrow is the trial.  Many of you know the situation that Dano “The Kid” and I have been on our own for a while now.  Since June 2011 to be exact.  Her “Dad” finally went over the edge so to speak and long story short, was charged by the state for domestic violence after Dano had to call 911 on him and have him arrested.  This is not the first occurrence.  This was the 5th I believe.  There was another police report for a different time it happened, that time he tried to run me over AND slashed a tire.  Quite honestly, I know what it feels like to not be able to “let go” of someone (NOT HIM in my case).  Anyway the court took away his custody and adjusted his visitation to only day visits.  No overnights for the last year and a half.  She had ONE recently, as a trial.  Her bed hadn’t been slept in, in well over a year, she said there were spider webs etc.  He “brushed off” the bed, and made her sleep there.  I have thought of a MULTITUDE of ways to handle myself at the trial tomorrow.  He has a lawyer.  An idiot one at that.  I am kind of hoping that he comes in, guns a blazing with a bunch of finger pointing and she did/said this/that blah blah.  I am not backing down nor conceding however, I am not going that route.  I have 100 pages of texts back/forth with him, stating A LOT.  He’s threatened her.  He’s bailed out on her for HIS COURT ORDERED weekends with her, to go to the river 2 times and to Las Vegas JUST THIS PAST WEEKEND!!  I am not going in with this date he did this, and so on and so forth.  I am going just speak from my heart, and lay it all on the line.  After 1 1/2 years, and ZERO resolutions, compromise (except on my end, I compromised way more than I should have) we can not agree to anything. So now the judge will decide what happens.  Not only that, but the judge for the last 1 1/2 years, was worthless, and tomorrow is the LAST court date with A NEW JUDGE.  WTH!?   Dano has told the court two times already, told HIM and the counselor that she does NOT WANT TO LIVE WITH HIM.  She also wrote a letter to the court and sealed it in an envelope for me to give to the judge that states HER words.  I don’t know what else I can do.  I don’t have money to fork out for a lawyer.  They couldn’t say or express my feelings as a mother anyway.  I’m scared.  I’m scared for Dano that she just might have to live with him part time again.   She cries every time she comes home.   He calls her a liar, belittles her… She finally told him yesterday “I can’t take this anymore.. I don’t want to be with you…”   As a parent, as hard as it may be, but if your child does not want to see you… WHY WOULD YOU FORCE THEM to continue to do that!??!  It would be the hardest thing for me to let her go, but I would do it.  For her.  I wouldn’t force her to want to see me.   Granted, I personally, would need to be committed shortly thereafter, but  that’s just me.  He’s doing just fine with his new girlfriend and her daughter… I wish he would just move on.     Anyway, this is it.  Please pray for me, whatever few of you that read this.. I’ve given up any semblance of a life, to do whatever I can for Dano.  I don’t go out, haven’t seen a bar to “party” for years.. I don’t go to the river.. (Man, I’d LOVE to get a way!)  I can’t afford to do that stuff trying to feed and clothe a growing 12 year old..   Add to that some other personal issues, that have just compounded everything, I don’t “deserve” a break per se, but a little Happiness for a while, would be nice.  

Le Jardin..

Wanted to update on my garden.  It’s a jungle.   In the tangled mess of the watermelon, pumpkin and cantaloupe… there are 3 watermelons still growing.. After opening that last one, I figured I’ll wait a few more weeks to try this other HUGE one..   There is ONE (1) SINGLE pumpkin.  FFS, ONE!!? Anyway, I did find two hidden cantaloupes TRYING to grow.. not sure if they will make it or not.  I ripped out the squash plants.. they get ugly after awhile. HAHA  Planted some cucumbers.  I love cucumbers.  How does one spell kewks is how it sounds to me, short for cucumbers?? cucs? hhmmmm 
Anyway, those will start producing in a couple weeks.  The Zucchini plants are doing great.. I picked the first fruit/veggie last night and probably too late, because it was HUGE.. it was a good foot long.. 😦  we’ll see..  
The tomatillos are starting to grow. I had no idea HOW they grew, but as you can see below, they produce the “skin” pod thingy first, which is hollow, and then the tomatillo grows “into” that.  Kinda cool.  🙂   My Grape Vine!! It looks like it’s flexing muscles!!  I LOVE how it grew!! haha  hhmmm OH! going to plant some PURPLE tomatillo!!  How fun would that be to have purple salsa!? 
Still waiting on some “real” corn to show up to try, not too much longer.  You can see a watermelon behind the red chili bush/tree thingy…  There are a couple jalapenos FINALLY growing on the stupid plant that kept trying to commit suicide on me…  Anyhoo… here are some pics for you to laugh at.  


Empty tomatillo shells

Some green Roma Tomatoes

A singular watermelon

The ONLY pumpkin out of the whole damn mess!

FINALLY a tiny bunch of broccoli is showing up..  ggrrrr

This looks like a STRONG vine.. you know, flexing.. meh. whatever.

Oh the sneaky watermelon I found growing behind the peppers.. 

Jalapenos I saved from suicide..  there are like 5 growing.. 😀

Cucumbers!!!  Can’t wait! 

This is THE MESS.  I can’t wait to rip it all out.  NO MORE MELONS of any type.


So I got up the other day, got out of bed and went Skydiving. I wanted to preface that with how long I have wanted to do go blah blah… but nah. Let’s just get to it. Ok, I have wanted to jump out of a perfectly good airplane for about 13 years. Then I had my kid, and figured it wasn’t the “safest” thing to do be doing, so I waited. And waited. And then I decided when I woke up, “I am going skydiving today”. Plain and simple. No special occasion, just a good day to fall from the sky. 😀

So I made it down there, it was about 80 degrees, and surprisingly I wasn’t afraid. I didn’t have any hesitation. I think I had mentally prepared myself for a long time. I was glad I didn’t have to wear that goofy skydiving jumpsuit thingy… I guess they wear that when It’s cold, so I was glad I could jump in just jeans and a tshirt.. 😀 I could have taken the couple hours and jumped solo for the first time.. but for some reason, I decided to jump “tandem” (attached to the instructor). Kinda glad I did because I was in so much AWE that I wouldn’t have remembered to pull the chute in time had I been alone.. LOL
Anyway, standing at the edge of the door of the plane, looking down, I expected to feel “something”.. nothing. Just a spectacular view. The instructor asked how I wanted to exit the plane. I said, “flips, cartwheels, whatever works… something “FUN” And, that is what we did. The plane was turning to the right when we jumped so it was flips and cartwheels galore. And it was FUN. We jumped from 12,000 feet, and the free fall was for 6,000 feet. That took about 60 seconds. Apparently when you are jumping tandem, you fall FASTER to the ground that if alone (nice huh?). So they throw up a small chute to slow down from 160MPH to about 120MPH which is more standard for a single jumper. I HIGHLY doubt I could tell the difference. 😉
It was really cool because I got to pull the ripcord, and I got to handle the controls to turn, slow down and haul ass back to the ground. THAT was wicked. I thought that going into a pretty fast spin would upset my belly some, but it didn’t.
The landing couldn’t have been better… landed on.. my Ass. 😀 supposed to do that I guess. I was really glad I have that extra padding!! But Holy Shit, that was quite the RUSH. Nothing can compare to that.. I mean, someone asked me about a roller coaster that could compare. Well, you’re on a track for a bout 14 seconds, and then it’s over. Skydiving, you are falling from the sky between 120 and 160MPH no track, no safety net… Personally, I can’t find the comparison.
Seems I had sea legs for a good 45 minutes after jumping. Just a little wobbly. I picked a couple songs to put on my video… The beginning of the video is about getting ready and kind of training, and partly IN the airplane.. That track is “Live like you were dyin” by Tim McGraw. Made a statement to me, so it worked. Then jumping and falling, the only appropriate song I liked was “Free Fallin'” by Tom Petty. That gave me goosebumps watching it after the fact.
In all honesty.. I used to think, “If I can skydive, and everything go according to plan, then I can do Anything”… I couldn’t be more wrong. I think I was hoping that it would be profound enough to take away a lot of the hurt and disappointment I have felt in my life… I was hoping to feel “different” somehow. Don’t ask why, I don’t know… Just an expectation I supposed I had. I guess I am a little disappointed that I don’t. I did come to find out it’s not skydiving or an “event” that is going to change any of that stuff.. it’s just me. It really didn’t change me, and I know that I can’t “do anything”.. shit, I can barely DEAL with anything. But, it was absolutely 100% definitely worth it. So much so I am going again… 🙂

“The turning point in the process of growing up is when you discover the strength within you that survives all the hurt.” ~Unknown