2014.. The year of "Sacrifice"

2013 was quite the year.  A LOT of changes, tears, heartache, happiness, you know a “Typical” year.  Donor hasn’t been much help with the kid.  She is AMAZING.  In the past month or so, she and I have laid out her game plan for High School (she starts later this year), and the majority of high school (10 – 12th grades) that she will also be taking college courses so that she can graduate High School with her diploma, as well as her AA in something chemistry related she says.  She hasn’t seen “him” in a couple months.  Not even Christmas.  Stopped seeing her during the week back in august of last year, and only a handful of weekends here and there, some of which he took her to friends, and didn’t actually “see her”.  He’s not the point of this anyway. Saw my brother for the first time in years, only to have him USE ME yet again, and I fell for it.  I’m an idiot.  I gave up a LOT of my time, and energy and me in general last year.  Taking a look at my life and finances, there is no way for the kid to go to college.  Well, without taking out loans etc, and I can’t buy us a home.  The point is, I have to save a LOT of money to get her to college.  I had no help growing up from MY parents really, so I will make sure I do whatever I can to get her where she wants to go professionally.. I don’t know if my parents didn’t do much to help because they had 3 kids or what.. but MINE (kid) has a bank account and is learning how to manage her money etc and she’s just as excited as I am for what is to come.  
Here comes the year of sacrifice…  With my job and where we live, I can’t afford to save squat.  So we are moving.  For anyone that really knows me, this means usually I move wherever I can take my entire family.  I can’t just move anymore because I feel like it.  Or like my dad used to say because my apartment got dirty..  I have to move logically.. Can the kid get to school?  Do I know someone that she can hang out with before the long ride to school?  Is there a bus?  All these things have to be taken into consideration.  Long story short, she and I made the decision last night, that we are giving up our beloved dogs.  I’m shedding so many tears writing this just thinking of NOT having them in our lives. And it KILLS ME.  I’m not only a parent to her, but to them as well.  Sadly, I had to make the decision that living in a tiny 2 br apartment just us, is what we have to do, to save up money to put down for a house, and to pay for her schooling.  I’ve not told anyone around me really, except my bff so that the kid can hang out with her in the morning before school, but that’s it.  One the one hand I can literally feel my heart breaking into a million pieces, not having my dogs to greet me every day, and wake me up at 2 am to go outside to pee.  I’ve had them since they were babies..  BUT I KNOW they will find a good home.  I already imagine where they will live.  Will they think I just up and left them? THAT is THE worst feeling I have right now.  That is killing me.     I need to take a break for a minute.. the tears won’t stop.
Anyway, will they understand that I have to do what I have to do for her and our little family?  I looked at other places that TAKE pets.. they are both over 50lbs.. bottom line, I have tried to figure out a way, and I don’t have a choice.  Once you feel your heart actually break, it is REALLY hard to stop the tears from falling. 
We are selling all of our things, paying off all debt (a whopping 3 grand without my car)… and save every single penny, increase my credit score, and buy a home for us.  We are soooo excited for it, and understand we do have to sacrifice everything this year, so that next year can be perfect and awesome.  I know there are other people worse off than me and others that have everything in the world.. I have what I have, and soon, won’t be much, but I have my kid.. and that is my entire life. 



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Am I doin’ it right??

It finally came to a head last night.  As far as I am concerned little white lies are the same as any other lie.  I don’t care what anyone says, it is HARD to be a single full time parent.  Period.  I have to be Mom and in some cases Dad too.  It’s frustrating, and quite honestly not fun.  So yesterday, I asked Dano to put the dishes in the dishwasher away and put the dirty dishes in, feed the dogs and get herself ready for school.  NOTHING happened, besides getting to school.  I asked her if the stuff was done at that time, and the response was “Almost”.  I know what ALMOST means.  Not even close, haven’t touched it, what was I supposed to do again?   I let it go.  We got home yesterday, and I saw the dishes, and we were putting away a few groceries.  Dano was going on and on about the back to school dance that is tonight.  Long story short, told Dano 2 more times to get the dishes done.  Didn’t happen until about 7:30 last night, after I finally YELLED at her to get off her butt and do it NOW.  I lost it.  I told her she was a liar (technically she is) and that she KNOWS everything I’ve had to go thru with Donor and court for the last year, OVER a year, and this is how she is treating me.  I have to tell her 5,6 or 7 times to do something that should take ONE time go make her get up and DO IT.  I’m tired.  I can’t be the good guy (Mom) AND the bad guy at the same time.  It’s impossible.  Last night I turned into “Dad”.. and very similar to her actual one.  She cried, a LOT.  Hysterically even.  After all I said to her, I didn’t even FEEL BAD about it!  I knew I was right and I was just FED UP to here with all the bullshit.  She’s 12 FFS!!!  Anyway, she kept saying I’m sorry.. I said for what? You aren’t SORRY, you are upset you got caught LYING to me…  she said No, I’m sorry for disappointing you.   Ok WOW.  That’s the worst feeling for ME personally, disappointing someone.  I hate feeling that I let someone down.  For whatever reason, it just crushes me.  Apparently that rubbed off on her.. Thank GOD.  I am not one to hold grudges WITH HER only.  Everyone else, no problem.  I can’t do that to Dano.  She stopped crying and we talked more.  I apologized for yelling at her, but I said I wasn’t sorry for calling her out.  She told me to not be sorry that it was her fault, and she was wrong, and she has to make things right with me.   And the dance.. I asked WHY I should let her go… (she was soo excited to go) and she told me “You shouldn’t.  I don’t deserve to go”..  I said you can tell all your friends how mad at me you are that I’m not going to let you go.  She was shocked but she said, “No, I’ll tell them I lied to you and I can’t go”.   We’ll see how that goes.   It is really hard to raise a kid, by yourself.  Literally, no family, no grandparents to help, no aunts or uncles to do anything… it’s just “US”..  I really hope I am “doin it right”…  


Letting Go..

Ok, so I really think I need to LET GO of a LOT of shit in my life. There is only so much crap a person can pile on and expect to keep going at a normal rate. People in general hold on to a lot of things. Emotions, Anger, Hatred as well as love and friendships. I don’t have any issues, with the few friendships that I have held on to. I choose to hang on to a limited number of “good friends” because they are very valuable to me. Here is where my problem lies: I hang on to too much of the bad stuff. Just like everyone else.
I have known for a long time that i have to let things go. But then I get to the point where, it’s like “Ok, I WANT to let this go, and I WILL let this go, but I want you (whomever it is) to hear me out so that I CAN let go.” The shitty part for me, is that I either don’t get to that point of “closure” of my own doing, or whomever I am trying to let go of, (metaphorically) won’t allow me to. That’s where it gets bad.
How can you let go, when (for example a person) they have already done so, but won’t let you do the same. No, it’s not fair, but for me personally, I think I deserve that opportunity. When I don’t have that, I just continue to stew on “everything” good or bad, and I’m back at square one. Anger, same thing.. Actually no. I am getting better (didn’t say great) at dealing with and letting go of anger. It’s this other BS that keeps haunting me.
What is after anger? I mean, after being pissed off at a person, or ending a friendship, or whatever, I’m usually pissed for a while. Oh! HURT.. that’s my next step.. Since I obviously get past the anger part and move on to hurt, is that what it is that keeps sticking around? Maybe it’s beyond hurt and now it’s resentment. Resenting that person for having wasted my time and my feelings and efforts that I put into a so called friendship… Yea, I really think THAT is where MY problem of letting go lies. That has to be it.
Crap, this sucks then. Because once I start thinking about the fact that I resent that person or myself even, I start getting pissed again.. Great.. a vicious circle of crap to not be able to let go of. Ever notice the whole “out of sight out of mind” works until that person or thing mysteriously shows up again? And then all those shitty feelings come flooding back and they are all fresh again. Oy. Oh well.. that’s for another day.