2014… So Far..

Well, we moved..  So far so.. ok, not so good.  The move itself was fine.  It was kind of nice to move from such a HUGE house to something more manageable.  IF she’d only help MANAGE it.  :\  It’s soo small, anything out of place and it looks like a cluttered mess.  I’m ready to rip her hair out (what’s left of it) and sit on her, and honestly I don’t even know what to do anymore.  She won’t listen.  She pretends to, and says “Ok, Mom, got it”.. blah blah blah.  Whatever.  Anyway, seems I wasn’t all that smart moving DOWNSTAIRS.  After living in the house, (2 stories) and my knees getting worse, I figured downstairs is perfect.  Until the lelefants moved in above me.  WHO DOES LAUNDRY AT 4AM!?!?!  Or HAND washes dishes at 1am?!  Someone up there is really into some kind of twerkin, zumba, hip hop, stomponthedamnfloor dancin shit, and it SUCKS.  I have tuned much of it out (having kids makes that easier) but she constantly complains about them.  And my poor Mojo, if they drop something up there, Mo instantly jumps up and looks around like some stealth FBI dog or something.  She’s gonna die of a heart attack.  She’s done SOO good with being potty trained, she holds everything until we get home and then we take her out and she’s good.  Sometimes tho she’ll wake me up at 2am to go out, but it’s cool because she’s not shit in the house or anything for 2 weeks so far! It is SOOO hard not having ALL my dogs, I won’t go into it, because it still hurts too damn much…  So, I’m looking into spending the extra $300 or so that I wanted to SAVE every month, and moving to the 2 br 2 car garage.  Bottom floor is the garage and washer / dryer.  Middle is kitchen, dining, living room, her room, bathroom and walk in closet, and MY room is the top (QUIET) with the loft and my bathroom and bigger walk in closet.  I say I am HOPING to do this.  I’ve been there 2 weeks, and it’s just too small, and the lelefants will drive me mad.  I talked to the leasing office and now just waiting to hear what the mucky mucks say about it.  Cross your fingers!!
Tomorrow is back to court.  Yay.. (laced heavily with sarcasm). 
We went last month, where I turned in pages and pages of everything going on etc… and he showed up with no lawyer.  Seems he got dropped. Quelle Horreur.   NOT!  It was bound to happen.  Anyway, seeing as he had no lawyer he played stupid and said he didn’t know HOW to turn in the requested papers that he needed (with over a month to FIND HELP, WHATEVER LOSER).  So the “sub” judge that day decided that we needed to go back to mediation and that the kid needed to as well, and let’s all meet back “tomorrow”.  I put in my papers for her to see him every other Saturday 8 am – 8 pm.  That’s it.  Since she HASN’T seen him since last year, she’s on HONOR ROLL.  She’s not stressed about him, she concentrates on her homework and DOES IT etc…  I see no need for week day visits just so he can yell at her… again.  Now, after she went to her mediation and told me what she said to the lady, I don’t THINK he’ll actually get any because even when he sent the sheriff to my house, to make her go see him, the sheriff said “We can’t make her go, you have a good night” and left.  So… we’ll see what they say.   
Found out a good friend of mine is going to be divorcing.  He left her, no reason why nothing.  Just “I’m done”.  I personally can understand that, because that was me when I left.  I was DONE.  Seems he’s lied and there is someone else, after repeatedly denying it.   Long story short, caught him.  And what’s worse, it’s a friend of Hers.  😥  So, spending time with her, doing what I can to be supportive.  And I have court tomorrow for my own crap.  Easter is next weekend, and we were invited to go the Havafew for it.  (Not taking the boat out tho).  We decided to go (yesterday) and today I thought about it, they will be gone, so bug and I can be home this weekend and NOT have to do anything for anyone.  We can go to the community breakfast with the Easter Bunny and just do “our thing” and talk and get back to some kind of “normal”, together.  Whatever that is.

Sometimes you don’t realize you’re actually drowning when you are trying to be everyone else’s anchor

2014.. The year of "Sacrifice"

2013 was quite the year.  A LOT of changes, tears, heartache, happiness, you know a “Typical” year.  Donor hasn’t been much help with the kid.  She is AMAZING.  In the past month or so, she and I have laid out her game plan for High School (she starts later this year), and the majority of high school (10 – 12th grades) that she will also be taking college courses so that she can graduate High School with her diploma, as well as her AA in something chemistry related she says.  She hasn’t seen “him” in a couple months.  Not even Christmas.  Stopped seeing her during the week back in august of last year, and only a handful of weekends here and there, some of which he took her to friends, and didn’t actually “see her”.  He’s not the point of this anyway. Saw my brother for the first time in years, only to have him USE ME yet again, and I fell for it.  I’m an idiot.  I gave up a LOT of my time, and energy and me in general last year.  Taking a look at my life and finances, there is no way for the kid to go to college.  Well, without taking out loans etc, and I can’t buy us a home.  The point is, I have to save a LOT of money to get her to college.  I had no help growing up from MY parents really, so I will make sure I do whatever I can to get her where she wants to go professionally.. I don’t know if my parents didn’t do much to help because they had 3 kids or what.. but MINE (kid) has a bank account and is learning how to manage her money etc and she’s just as excited as I am for what is to come.  
Here comes the year of sacrifice…  With my job and where we live, I can’t afford to save squat.  So we are moving.  For anyone that really knows me, this means usually I move wherever I can take my entire family.  I can’t just move anymore because I feel like it.  Or like my dad used to say because my apartment got dirty..  I have to move logically.. Can the kid get to school?  Do I know someone that she can hang out with before the long ride to school?  Is there a bus?  All these things have to be taken into consideration.  Long story short, she and I made the decision last night, that we are giving up our beloved dogs.  I’m shedding so many tears writing this just thinking of NOT having them in our lives. And it KILLS ME.  I’m not only a parent to her, but to them as well.  Sadly, I had to make the decision that living in a tiny 2 br apartment just us, is what we have to do, to save up money to put down for a house, and to pay for her schooling.  I’ve not told anyone around me really, except my bff so that the kid can hang out with her in the morning before school, but that’s it.  One the one hand I can literally feel my heart breaking into a million pieces, not having my dogs to greet me every day, and wake me up at 2 am to go outside to pee.  I’ve had them since they were babies..  BUT I KNOW they will find a good home.  I already imagine where they will live.  Will they think I just up and left them? THAT is THE worst feeling I have right now.  That is killing me.     I need to take a break for a minute.. the tears won’t stop.
Anyway, will they understand that I have to do what I have to do for her and our little family?  I looked at other places that TAKE pets.. they are both over 50lbs.. bottom line, I have tried to figure out a way, and I don’t have a choice.  Once you feel your heart actually break, it is REALLY hard to stop the tears from falling. 
We are selling all of our things, paying off all debt (a whopping 3 grand without my car)… and save every single penny, increase my credit score, and buy a home for us.  We are soooo excited for it, and understand we do have to sacrifice everything this year, so that next year can be perfect and awesome.  I know there are other people worse off than me and others that have everything in the world.. I have what I have, and soon, won’t be much, but I have my kid.. and that is my entire life.