2014.. The year of "Sacrifice"

2013 was quite the year.  A LOT of changes, tears, heartache, happiness, you know a “Typical” year.  Donor hasn’t been much help with the kid.  She is AMAZING.  In the past month or so, she and I have laid out her game plan for High School (she starts later this year), and the majority of high school (10 – 12th grades) that she will also be taking college courses so that she can graduate High School with her diploma, as well as her AA in something chemistry related she says.  She hasn’t seen “him” in a couple months.  Not even Christmas.  Stopped seeing her during the week back in august of last year, and only a handful of weekends here and there, some of which he took her to friends, and didn’t actually “see her”.  He’s not the point of this anyway. Saw my brother for the first time in years, only to have him USE ME yet again, and I fell for it.  I’m an idiot.  I gave up a LOT of my time, and energy and me in general last year.  Taking a look at my life and finances, there is no way for the kid to go to college.  Well, without taking out loans etc, and I can’t buy us a home.  The point is, I have to save a LOT of money to get her to college.  I had no help growing up from MY parents really, so I will make sure I do whatever I can to get her where she wants to go professionally.. I don’t know if my parents didn’t do much to help because they had 3 kids or what.. but MINE (kid) has a bank account and is learning how to manage her money etc and she’s just as excited as I am for what is to come.  
Here comes the year of sacrifice…  With my job and where we live, I can’t afford to save squat.  So we are moving.  For anyone that really knows me, this means usually I move wherever I can take my entire family.  I can’t just move anymore because I feel like it.  Or like my dad used to say because my apartment got dirty..  I have to move logically.. Can the kid get to school?  Do I know someone that she can hang out with before the long ride to school?  Is there a bus?  All these things have to be taken into consideration.  Long story short, she and I made the decision last night, that we are giving up our beloved dogs.  I’m shedding so many tears writing this just thinking of NOT having them in our lives. And it KILLS ME.  I’m not only a parent to her, but to them as well.  Sadly, I had to make the decision that living in a tiny 2 br apartment just us, is what we have to do, to save up money to put down for a house, and to pay for her schooling.  I’ve not told anyone around me really, except my bff so that the kid can hang out with her in the morning before school, but that’s it.  One the one hand I can literally feel my heart breaking into a million pieces, not having my dogs to greet me every day, and wake me up at 2 am to go outside to pee.  I’ve had them since they were babies..  BUT I KNOW they will find a good home.  I already imagine where they will live.  Will they think I just up and left them? THAT is THE worst feeling I have right now.  That is killing me.     I need to take a break for a minute.. the tears won’t stop.
Anyway, will they understand that I have to do what I have to do for her and our little family?  I looked at other places that TAKE pets.. they are both over 50lbs.. bottom line, I have tried to figure out a way, and I don’t have a choice.  Once you feel your heart actually break, it is REALLY hard to stop the tears from falling. 
We are selling all of our things, paying off all debt (a whopping 3 grand without my car)… and save every single penny, increase my credit score, and buy a home for us.  We are soooo excited for it, and understand we do have to sacrifice everything this year, so that next year can be perfect and awesome.  I know there are other people worse off than me and others that have everything in the world.. I have what I have, and soon, won’t be much, but I have my kid.. and that is my entire life. 



HOW!?

For the first time in I don’t know how long.. I have nothing to say. 
Ok, actually I think I have a LOT to say, but really, why?  What purpose does it serve to say it? I have court tomorrow. Again.  I am sooooo over this bullshit.  I am also tired of being a pushover and agreeing to shit I shouldn’t agree to.  Like the last time.  I promised myself, DO NOT agree to anything.  And stupid me did the opposite.  I’m actually getting along with the donor lately, but I still have to tell myself DO NOT AGREE TO ANYTHING this time.  And stick to it.  Dano wants to talk to the Mediator again.  She doesn’t want more visitation or anything, actually she wants less.  So that’s what I’ll be telling them tomorrow.  I will NOT agree to more visitation for her, since that’s not what SHE wants.  I will repeat all this shit over and over and OVER in my head until court is over tomorrow.  I hate court.  LE SIGH.


The last part..

The last part to my being annoyed this morning, this has been bothering me for quite a while now..
Who are we as human beings to “JUDGE” others? I mean, what makes you so much better than the person sitting next to you that you can pass judgment on them? Just as they are no better than you to judge you.
Or so you would think. There are people out there, as I mentioned this morning,  who will look down their noses at you as if they belong on some pedestal, and judge you for just about anything. They are no better. In fact, I personally feel the reason that people do this is because they themselves are ashamed. I may be wrong, but that is how I see it. They are ashamed of themselves, so they will look down on others to make them feel better. It is a sad way to live life. And in the end, they really don’t have any of what are called REAL “friends”.
I am guilty of judging others. However, I am trying REALLY hard to not do so.. I am no better than anyone. I want to be a good person. I want to be equals with people, granted I don’t know that it’s possible to be equals with everyone.. we just don’t think the same. I want to be happy.  so I gotta be a good person, and stop judging others, even for petty things.. because even the petty things hurt.

“JUDGE NOT, LEST YE BE JUDGED

SIGH..

I am going to post a little differently today. This blog is all about me, but today.. it’s not. By now everyone is aware of the devastation in southern california. Yes, I live here. Yes, I have been affected. No, I didn’t get evacuated. No, I didn’t lose my home. However, seeing all of the aftermath of the thousands of people stranded at Qualcom stadium and the multitude of other venues certainly made me think. I read about a woman whose strength came from her 4 year old daughter. That spoke volumes to me. We all take for granted all of our “posessions”. We never stop to think that in an instant they could be gone. I don’t want to talk about the precautions to take and all that, because it’s all over the news daily. You all know that by now.
Life is really short. Hug your kids. Your spouse/significant other. Appreciate each day that you have here with them. I’m not big on praying (although I should try it more often) but I do pray for all of these people every day for the strength they need to get thru what may be the most difficult time of their lives.
I can only imagine.

We never understand how little we need in this world until we know the loss of it
Norman Cousins

Sad..

Ok, I’m sad.. I think I’m a pretty independent person. I mean, I’m a single mother, I own my home, and all of my stuff.. I don’t have a lot of debt (besides my house).. I do a lot on my own. I never really realized how involved my family is in my life tho. Yes, they have stuck their noses where they don’t belong, but I suppose I allowed that.. 🙂 My brother went back to jail last month, and yes, I do realize how much I miss him all the time. It’s his own fault tho and he knows it. He gets out some time next month and is leaving the state for good. He can’t come back. Kinda bums me out.
My parents have moved out of the state as well. So when he gets out, he’ll be moving out there with them. I think that’s a good thing. I hope he can find himself out there. I guess my point is, I miss my family. Indifferent or otherwise, whether we get along or not.. They are my family and I do miss them. And, that makes me a little sad. Kinda thought I would have more to say, but I guess not. Hope you are doing well.

“Moving on is simple, it’s what you leave behind that makes it so difficult”